


I Have Learned To Manage

by Cy_Fi_TheAnswerIs42



Series: Autistic Thomas Jefferson [2]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Autistic Thomas Jefferson, But there's little hints sprinkled throughout, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, I read over this once, It's not really brought up or anything in this, M/M, Plus we're focusing on James here, That's all the beta reading that we're getting here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 14:51:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,939
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14451618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cy_Fi_TheAnswerIs42/pseuds/Cy_Fi_TheAnswerIs42
Summary: It's just unending, how exhausting life is, isn't it?





	I Have Learned To Manage

**Author's Note:**

> Forgive my run-on sentences.

For James, it had become a constant. Sure, he had good days, days where the endless emotional exhaustion seemed to recede, like the weight it placed in his chest was now bearable. On those days he could smile without it feeling like a Herculean effort simply to make the corners of his mouth twitch upwards, laugh without the inhale echoing in the hollow cavity of his chest that had been carved out for so long. It was those days where, for just a moment, he could actually enjoy life.

Then there was every other day. Days like today.

When he had gone to bed last night, James should have known from the pronounced ache in his chest, from the effort it took merely to actually get ready for bed instead of collapse where he was, from how it was exhausting just to _exist_ , that he wasn’t going to be able to sleep. He had still tried though, closed his eyes and laid as still as possible while pleading with his brain to just stop for a few hours, but after an hour or however long it had actually been, he gave up, choosing to just stare at the wall instead. After what seemed like an eternity, he heard Thomas get up from the next bedroom over; they both had needed their own space last night so Thomas had taken to the spare room that was technically his dorm room, at least according to the university’s housing records. Knowing that his own alarm would go off soon, James slowly moved to turn it off, and with the last of the energy he could summon at the moment, turned back to face the wall.

James knew he had to get up. He had three classes today, all in quick succession, and then he would be done for week since it was Thursday and he didn’t have any Friday classes. He just had three classes, then he could come back and collapse into a blanket pile and try to forget that the world existed, that _he_ existed for a while. He just had to get up first. He just needed to get up now, because it was at least five minutes past when his alarm was set to go off which meant if he wasn’t at least moving in the next five minutes that Thomas would come to check on him, and that meant letting Thomas know that it was a bad day, just like every other day it seemed. Letting Thomas know that meant he would worry about James, go out of his way to try and help when he already struggles with his own problems, with his own bad days that were the opposite of James’; out of the blue like a summer storm and just as fierce along with so much more, and while Thomas says he’s always willing to help James through his unending number of bad days that doesn’t mean James has done anything to earn that help.

Knowing that he was running out of time, James forced himself to sit up. He was doing well in his classes; while he may not be able to take care of himself he could at least take care of his schoolwork, and while he may prefer becoming one with the floor, he could force himself to go to class once he had consumed an efficient, and probably unhealthy, amount of caffeine. With seemingly lead-laden limbs James got out of bed and stood up, scrubbing at his face. He took one last longing glance at his bed and then padded out of his room towards the kitchen. Thomas was at the stovetop, cooking some eggs and smiling at James when he entered the room. James went straight for the coffeemaker, which thankfully already had coffee ready for consumption, bless his boyfriend.

“Morning Jemmy, you’re up a little later than usual, everything ok?” Thomas asked, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Existence is currently an exhausting experience; wait until after I’ve gotten some caffeine in me and ask again.” James muttered, pouring coffee first into a mug for while he was eating breakfast, which there were good chances his stomach would allow it today since he never fell asleep, and then into a travel mug for him to take with him to class.

“Glad to see you’re your usual ray of sunshine at this time of day.” Thomas chuckled, turning off the stove and grabbing his backpack. “There’s breakfast if you want it, I’ve got to get going so I can meet up with Laf to review before our history test today, see you tonight.”

“Thanks and good luck.” James said, sitting at the small half-island that separated the kitchen from the living room as Thomas whisked by him, stopping for just a moment to press a quick kiss to his temple. Then he was gone, and James was alone. He was alone with nothing but his coffee, his thoughts, and the silence of the dorm, the latter two of which were his only company all too often and were never good company either. He quickly downed his coffee, hoping its effects would kick in sooner rather than later and maybe make his day a little more bearable.

Ha. As if.

-

James did not have a good relationship with time. When he actually needed to get a lot done and take his time doing so, it seemed to rush by. When he needed something to be over with as quickly as possible, every single second seemed to drag by slowly. This meant that in the morning, when he needed for the caffeine to kick in and give him the energy to actually look somewhat put together instead of falling apart like he actually was, time rushed by him, leaving him running to get to class on time. Then of course his classes seemed to take forever, the teachers voices nearly lulling him to sleep during the eternity that was only supposed to be a hour and twenty minutes each. By the time the day was done, James was ready to collapse. No, not just collapse, he was ready to become one with the floor and fade from existence altogether. He trudged back to his dorm, the walk back always too far even though it was still on campus and uneventful, and up the stairs to his fourth-floor dorm since for some reason the people who designed the building thought that if there were only four floors then an elevator wasn’t required.

James let himself into his shared dorm, locking the door behind him and leaning against it, out of breath. For a moment he considered sliding down and onto the floor, just letting himself collapse there, the only problem with that being that Thomas would be back soon and would know something was wrong if he couldn’t open the door due to James becoming a human doorstop. A too-skinny human doorstop that with enough effort could be moved easily enough, but a human doorstop nonetheless. He dragged himself up away from the door and towards his room, tossing his backpack to the floor, and used the last of his energy to collapse on the bed instead of the floor. At least here he was out of the way.

“Jemmy, I’m home!” Thomas called out, dragging out the last word like they did on that popular old sitcom. Shit, Thomas was early, which meant that James had less time to try and put himself together. He tried to get up, to at least pretend that today was bearable, but he couldn’t even lift his face from the pillow. Maybe if he was lucky then he would suffocate before Thomas reached the bedroom.

“Jemmy?” Thomas’ voice floated over from the doorway, concern audible. Damn, suffocation was a no-go.

“ ‘m fine.” James tried to say, but the pillow muffled his voice so much he couldn’t even discern what he actually said. Betrayal from the pillow on two counts.

“I’m going to roll you over to your back, ok?” Thomas asked, waiting for a sign from James that this was ok. After James gave him a thumbs up, Thomas gently moved him, and now James could see just how worried Thomas looked. Shit, he did that. Thomas was probably having a perfectly good day and he just ruined it. Bravo him.

“I’m fine, I swear.” James muttered, looking anywhere but at Thomas, eyes now burning from something other than exhaustion. Out of the corner of his eye he noticed Thomas bite his lip as he considered what to say.

“I’m calling bullshit Jemmy.” Thomas said gently, sitting on the bed next to him and beginning to lightly scratch the other man’s scalp.

“I’m _fine_ , I’m just exhausted because I couldn’t sleep last night,” James started, feeling his lip start to quiver which meant that he should stop before he said too much but probably because of the lack of sleep, all his usual barriers and filters were gone. “So I’m tired because of that and just exhausted in general like I usually am but I’m just so tired of it especially since I see other people able to function unlike me and you’d think I’d be used to this by now, most of the time I’m numb enough to just ignore it so it’s bearable, but right now it’s just worse than usual and it’s just _so fucking exhausting_ and I’m sorry I’m such a mess and whining because my brain is being shit.” Now he was crying and goddamn it he should be pissed at himself for it, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel anything about it. James tried to take a breath in to calm down, but instead ended up letting out a sob, and turned to bury his face against Thomas’ leg.

“Hey, it’s alright Jemmy.” Thomas soothed. “It’s ok to feel stuff like that, it will get better, you know it will.”

“I know that logically, but logic isn’t doing shit when it’s my emotions going haywire.”

“I know hon, I know.” Thomas responded, moving so he was lying down next to James, wrapping his arms around the smaller man and pulling him close, tracing soothing circles onto his back. “Eventually they’ll get their shit together so we just have to wait them out. It’s the weekend practically, so tonight we’ll find some shit rom-com on Netflix and eat your favorite junk food, and then tomorrow if things are still bad then we’ll just have a slow day, just relax and wait it out, sound like a plan?”

James nodded against Thomas’ chest. “Yeah.” Waiting it out. That’s all they could really do right now.

“Ok. Do you want me to order pizza now or wait for a bit?”

“Pizza can wait, can we just stay like this for a while?” As tempting as pizza sounded, right now with Thomas’ arms wrapped tight around him—a solid reminder that he wasn’t alone, that someone was _there_ —things were bearable. Not better, not even close to being good, but bearable enough.

“Ok Jemmy, if that’s what you want then that’s what we’ll do.” Thomas said softly, pressing a kiss to the top of James’ head. It might still be there, that weight in his chest that made everything harder, made it feel like he couldn’t breathe if he tried and was suffocating in the darkness, but here, with someone that James loved as much as he could and, for some reason that James could never fathom, loved him even more in return, James could take a breath.


End file.
